Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
You Might Also Like
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
I know this now 😂
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?