Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
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you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
#DesignFail
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do