Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
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Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
My beach vacation Google searches
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Alexa; make it look like an accident
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.