A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
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*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh