Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
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therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Coffee for people with no kids
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Go hard or stay average
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.