Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
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Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Thursday Thought.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now