Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
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Luke: I’ll never join you!
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Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
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Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
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Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
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there will never be a funnier headline than this one
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Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
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Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
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*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
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I know that now.
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american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
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after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
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Me: oh no
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Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
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