“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
You Might Also Like
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
There’s always that one guy
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess