My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
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Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
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*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are