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debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
This is always good for a laugh.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan