Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
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Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Liquor Store Parking
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication