Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
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ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*