I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
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Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
no their not
My circle of trust is a meatball
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.