*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
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The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
fr
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream