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Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.