He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
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how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
courtroom exchange of the day
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.