COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
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What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”