ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
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[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her