[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
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*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally