Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
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I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
adam and eve had first world problems
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single