If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
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Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
For anyone who needs this today
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
thank god
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.