[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
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me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
when nothing goes right… go left
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Ok, but like, how married are you?
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.