Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
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*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
relationship goals
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.