People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
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Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.