“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
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My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM