inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
You Might Also Like
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it