I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
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BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best