Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
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Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
🖤✌🏽
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.