SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
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“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala