Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
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Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.