Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
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Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.