[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
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Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.