‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
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Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.