My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
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[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Quadruple digit IQ
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”