Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
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I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.