Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
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My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
New comic up. “Ransom”
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Me too
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.