friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
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How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.