I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
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Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
I forgot how to panic. Help
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
My dad teaching me to drive