Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
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I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
The photographer’s assistant
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.