*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
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FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days