[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
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It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.