#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
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He just like my cat fr
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.