The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
You Might Also Like
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Who says great literature is dead?
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.