My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
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~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”