Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
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I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?