DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
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I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?