[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
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Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
she has a point
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally