6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
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Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
You can’t rush stupid.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Holy crap this is wonderful
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
What’s so funny?
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.