my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
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GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES