*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
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“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.